Shifting our Self-Talk with Self-Compassion
Contributed by Sonya Connelly, Community Health and Outreach Coordinator
“With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.”
– Dr. Kristin Neff
We all have an inner voice that narrates our lives. Sometimes it uplifts us, but often, especially under stress, it turns critical. This "inner critic" can sound like:
"You should have done better."
"Why can’t you just get it together?"
"You’re such a mess."
At its core, this voice is trying to protect us from failure, judgment, or pain. But instead of helping, it often fuels anxiety, self-doubt, and shame.
There are small, practical shifts you can make throughout your day to soften your inner voice and respond to challenges with more understanding and care. Below are simple yet effective tools that can help you interrupt harsh self-criticism and replace it with something kind, honest, and supportive.
1. Name the Voice
Give your inner critic a name or persona—like “The Perfectionist,” “The Worrier,” or even “Ms. Never Enough.”
Why it helps: It creates distance between you and the critical voice, allowing you to observe it rather than identify with it.
Try saying: “Oh, there goes Ms. Perfectionist again. She’s trying to keep me safe—but I don’t need that pressure right now.
2. Use the “Dear Friend” Test
When you catch yourself in harsh self-talk, ask:
“Would I say this to a friend?”
If not, rephrase your words into something you would say to someone you love.
Instead of: “I can’t believe I messed that up.”
Try: “It’s okay to make mistakes. Everyone does. What can I learn from this?”
3. Change Your Tone
Pay attention not only to what you say to yourself, but how.
Say it again, but with warmth. Imagine your tone is soft, gentle, like a trusted friend’s voice.
Even the same sentence, like “You’re okay,” becomes more soothing when said kindly.
4. Use Grounding Affirmations
Short, compassionate affirmations can interrupt spiraling self-talk. Some examples:
“I am learning. I don’t have to be perfect.”
“This moment is hard, but I can meet it with kindness.”“I am enough, just as I am.”
Post them on mirrors, your phone’s lock screen, or journal prompts.
5. Practice “Self-Compassion Breaks” (by Dr. Kristin Neff)
In a moment of struggle, pause and say to yourself:
This is a moment of suffering.
Suffering is a part of life.
May I be kind to myself in this moment.
Then add a personal phrase like: “May I give myself the compassion I need.”
6. Create a “Compassionate Script”
Write out a few self-kindness phrases in advance that you can turn to in difficult moments. Keep them handy on a card or in your phone.
Examples:
“Mistakes don’t define me. My effort matters.”
“I’m allowed to rest.”
“Just because I’m struggling doesn’t mean I’m failing.”
Resources
Dr. Kristin Neff – Self-Compassion.org One of the leading researchers on self-compassion. Discover foundational tools like the Self-Compassion Break, guided meditations, and journal practices to soothe your inner critic.
Tara Brach – Radical Compassion & RAIN Practice Meditation teacher and clinical psychologist. Her free talks and meditations (including the RAIN practice) help you respond to self-judgment with kindness and care.
Dr. Chris Germer – Mindful Self-Compassion Psychologist and co-creator of the Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) program. Offers exercises, audio recordings, and reflections on how to treat yourself with gentle presence.